reprinted by Tommy George, 10 years later Back to Site
2008-4-15. Greetings to my homeless, about-to-be homeless, and this evening, to my never-ever-going-to-be-homeless readers. You of the latter persuasion (well-heeled, deep-pocketed, loaded with the long green, rich) have wandered into Homeless T's world for a respite from that damnable sense of ennui that sometimes besets the well-tempered souls of upperclassmen. Perfection is tedious. What you may need to satisfy your curious craving is a generous dose of Homeless T's tonic-for-the-deadly-bored.
The dangerous sensationalism of life among the lower social strata will rekindle your lust for that tamper-proof, fully insulated world that you have worked so hard to create: a life made safe as milk--but too often, intolerably dull. Now you can take your medicine in the comfort of your very own suburban abode.
So welcome, jaded,VIP readers! Your table is waiting--your bottle of Mad Dog has been iced--the lid on your tin of sardines has been rolled back. God-dog amighty! You're right in time for the floor-show! Tonight, Homeless T presents the underclass's answer to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. For one night only Lord and Lady Pimpinho perform their rendition of Stayin' Alive--the sheer heat of which puts Homeless T in mind of the nursery rhyme he learned at his granny's knee:
The old folks say that money makes a woman upper-class
But no amount of money gonna
cool the ghetto fire in her pants.
Anyway, enjoy your sardines . . .cool the ghetto fire in her pants.
* * *
Homeless T has too long been a guest in the past; but he worries about the accuracy of his information, so please check contact Sally's before you check in. Winter's coming, after all--cold season. So . . .
Homeless T awards numerical ratings (from 1 to 10) on shelter qualities important to him and his homeless fellow-travelers. He offers an overall rating for homeless in a hurry. He plans to throw in saucy, outre anecdotes but snoring homeless people are not outrageously sexy to anyone except hobosexual predators.
Tonight's temporary residence is part of a well-known, nationwide chain. No, it's not the Hilton--not even the Budget Inn. This party-bus goes to an emergency shelter for men (there is a also a women's shelter) Salivation Army.
The Salivation Army Men's Residence
218 Logan Ave.
Waterloo, IA 50703
(319) 232-2322
(319) 232-2322
Overall: 6.4 If a blizzard is blowing outside and you have no winter coat; if you're flat broke and wearing sandals for snowshoes; then Sally's of Waterloo is your "Iowa on a Budget" destination: a warm, almost entirely safe, shelter from the storm.
Details
- Rent (Free, 10)
- Cleanliness (Dangerously Dirty, 2)
- Out/In Times (Out by 9 AM, in at 4 PM, 8)
- Laundry (Free machines located in a very funky basement, 7)
- Meals (No room service. Do your own cooking and wash your own dishes. Some foodstuffs supplied. Beware of gastro-enteritis. Lots of bacteria, 6)
- Duration (2 Weeks - longer, if employed, 4)
- Room Occupancy: (2 to a room, 7)
- Staff (Tolerable and seldom seen, 7)
- Chores (Easily accomplished in 10 -20 minutes, 8)
- Unique Features (Lunch, clothing vouchers, bus tickets, and more available just across the street at the Salvation Army Waterloo Headquarters, 8)
- Other Guests (Unsavory but on their best behavior, usually--just like you, 3)